The Phone That Mocked Draco
by davestridersjunk
Summary: What The HELL Is That?" Draco shouted, spinning on his spot. "Didn't I tell you to answer it Draco?" Hermione asked. "I did! I asked it, where are you from? Can't it say anything but 'ring, ring?" He asked, confusion evident in his tone. A Series.
1. The Phone

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. As much as I wish I do. **

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-Ring, Ring-

"Draco, could you get that please?" Hermione called from upstairs, she had a hair bobble in her mouth as she was tying up her hair and she hoped her husband had heard her.

"Sure." Draco said, loud enough for her to hear.

Draco looked around, he wasn't sure where the noise was coming from. Then, he heard it again and jumped, it was a pretty loud thing… So, why couldn't he hear where it was coming from again? He walked into the kitchen, and the next time he heard it, it was too far away, so he decided to journey back into the living room. And he heard it again.

"What the hell is that?!" He shouted. Then it rang again, as if mocking him. He growled and started picking things up. Nothing happened, so he waited a few seconds, then-

-Ring, Ring-

"What is that?!" He shouted again. It rang again.

"Where the hell are you?"

"Draco! Didn't I tell you to answer it?" Hermione said, appearing at the door.

"I did, I asked it, 'where are you coming from?' and it ignored me. Can't it say anything but 'ring ring'?" He said, confusion evident in his tone and on his face. Hermione burst out laughing.

"What?"

-Ring, Ring-

"Argh! Make it stop! Why are you laughing at me?" He asked. She continued laughing.

"You-You have to pick it up." She said through her laughter.

"Pick what up? Where is it coming from?" He asked, spinning around on his spot as it rang again and again. The sight was quite amusing, he looked like he was going insane.

"Draco, the phone, you have to pick it up." Hermione said. Her husband raised an eyebrow at her.

"What the hell is a phone?" He asked. She giggled and picked up a black stick with buttons on it.

"This is a phone. You can talk to people through it." She said. Draco watched as she pressed a button, put it to her ear and asked 'hello.' Then, she chucked it at him, and luckily he caught it.

"It's Blaise," she said. She stayed on the spot, wanting to see her husbands reaction as he investigated this muggle device.

"Hello?" He said, coping what Hermione had done earlier.

"Hey dude! Was wondering if you-"

"GAH!" Draco shouted. He threw the phone back at Hermione.

"Can he hear us?" Draco asked, Hermione laughed and nodded. She threw it back to him again.

"Here, talk to him."

"Blaise?" He asked into the 'phone.'

"Yeah, dude, where did you go? And were you guys up in bed again? Come on, it's the middle of the day!" Blaise said. Draco just stood there, bewildered. How could he hear someone through a stick?! It was near impossible…

"Dude, are you there?" Blaise asked.

"Y-yes." Draco stuttered.

"Well. What are you doing tonight?" He asked. Draco looked at Hermione.

"What are we doing tonight?" He asked. She shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know." He said.

"Well, want to go out with Harry, he said he's been dying to get his mind off work. Sais it's annoying him. You up for it?" Blaise asked. Draco looked at his wife again.

"Blaise is asking if I want to go out tonight, will you talk to him and try to get me out of it?" He asked her, the phone still stuck to his ear. She laughed again.

"Why?" She asked.

"Because I want to spend the night with you." He said. She smiled, and laughed inside. Blaise had just caught Draco being such a sweetheart, and Draco was totally oblivious of that fact.

"Oh, what would we be doing?" She asked.

"I dunno, but it's better than going out with Blaise and having to listen to him acting galas and listening to Harry moan." Draco said. Hermione snickered.

"Okay, Um.. Tell me what we can do tonight, and then I'll cover for you with Blaise." She said. He grinned.

"Um, we can have dinner, then, I can take you out and spoil you, and then we could watch one of the circle things that you like-"

"Movies, Draco." She said.

"Yeah a movie. And then, we can go to bed, and I'll even cuddle with you, 'cause I know you like it." He finished off, at the end of the line, Blaise started laughing.

"Oh my god man! You're whipped!" His voice changed from it's usual deep tone and was now high and girlish. "Oh, we can go for a movie, and then I can spoil you, and then we can snuggle." He said. Draco's face went red.

"What? Dude, I never even said that." Draco said into the phone.

"Yes you did! And you can't deny it because I just recorded the whole thing!" Blaise laughed, Draco growled and pressed all the buttons until the small window said 'call ended.' He turned to his amused wife.

"That wasn't even funny. And you're getting no action in the bedroom for a week!" He scolded, which made her laugh harder.

"Seriously, is it 'laugh at Draco day'?" He asked. She stopped laughing after some time.

"No, it was just funny." She said. She held a straight face for a few seconds and then started laughing again.

"That's it! I'm going up to our bedroom and I'm going to wake up from this stupid dreams with stupid…. Stupid… rone things…" He said. She giggled.

"Phone!" She said, pointing to it.

"Mocking piece of hell!" He said, pointing to it as well.

"Seriously, did you buy that from Fred and George's or something?" She shook her head. He put his hands on his head and massaged his temples.

He never really would understand muggle devices.

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Hola guys, :)

This story is actually dedicated to "Juliiaxx" who is now known as "aandrandom" on youtube, because, well, quite frankly, she's the best youtuber there is! If you're into Dramione then search up her videos because they'll blow your mind! And if you do, then check out "Falling Apart, [Draco/Hermione]" Because that ones my favourite, even though it's one of her older videos :) !

Anyways, (Juliiaxx, aandrandom) If you ever read this, then I'm grateful for how much time you have on your hands! You're a star, girl! :)

Also, thanks to midnightlady-123123 I've decided to start a series where Draco gets confused over all sorts of muggle devices.

Any mistakes?

-FallenForTheDraco. (because I really have, haha!)


	2. The Microwave

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. Also, try and guess at what TV programme Draco was watching! *Giggles*

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"Draco, I'm leaving now. I have my mobile if anything's wrong!" Hermione called from the bottom of the staircase. When she got no reply from her husband she sighed.

"Draco! I'm naked!"

Again, no answer.

"DRACO I'M PREGNANT!"

"What?!" Asked a very shocked and unprepared Draco. Hermione smirked.

"Honey, if you keep watching too much TV then you're gonna need glasses," She said, tilting her head to the side. He pouted.

"No I wont. And don't scare me like that, wait, have we had dinner yet?" He asked, frowning and staring at the ceiling. Hermione shook her head.

"Nope. But there's food in the kitchen, microwave something." She said. He looked at her worriedly. She frowned.

"You still don't understand how to cook food?" He shook his head sheepishly.

"Fine, do it with your wand, just… don't muck it up like last time," She said, giving him a kiss goodbye, she almost danced out the door. This was the last time she would have a slumber-party with Ginny Potter before she had her baby, and she would make it memorable for her best friend. Draco missed his wife as soon as she'd left the house, but his sadness vanished as he heard that the TV's adverts were over…

He sat on the sofa and crossed his legs at the ankles, going over what could happen next in his head. He bobbed his head along to the theme of the programme and then lifted his legs and propped his head up with his hand.

"Oh! Oh, the dirty pup." The woman on TV said. Draco laughed, their reactions were so funny!

"Oh dear, oh dear, come an 'av a look at this Agsie."

Again Draco laughed, but stopped abruptly when his stomach made an unpleasant gurgling sound. He sighed and got up, taking a few minutes to press the pause button on their new remote control. He walked into his kitchen, and fetched a micro-noodle from one of his cupboards. He filled the water to a few centimetres above the water line and then stuck a fork in it. Then, he sat it in the microwave and stared at the buttons confusedly.

"Hm… It's only supposed to be in for 3 minutes." He muttered to himself. He pressed the thirty minute button three times on accident, and when the plate didn't start spinning through the window he frowned. Then he grinned at his little slip and pressed the start button. He walked back into the living room, confident that the microwave would start beeping in three minutes.

Frowning, Draco wondered what was taking his hot meal so long. He got up and travelled into the kitchen, where what he saw made his jaw drop in shock and fear.

His micro-noodle was on fire! Fire! He quickly ran over and stopped the microwave, luckily, it hadn't blown up, but nor had it stopped being on fire. He opened the small door quickly and almost choked on the amount of steam and gas that came out, so he quickly closed the door again and decided to call his wife. He picked up what she called a phone and dialled the number that he'd stuck to the wall, just for emergencies. Also on the list were the police, the fire brigade, the pizza line (Draco's doing,) and the numbers of all their friends, but he didn't need any of those numbers right now! Draco feared his wife's reaction.

"Um, Hermione, I- I need you to come home," Draco said, his voice sounding awfully worried.

"Why, what's wrong?" Hermione asked. Draco bit his lip, he didn't want her to go ballistic over the phone so he decided to lie.

"I-I-um… I've wet my pants, I think I have um… a bladder problem.. Thingy… erm… My you-know-what feels like it's going to burst, so, can you come and… look at it?" He asked, shaking his head at how stupid he sounded. Hermione sounded grossed out over the phone.

"Look at it yourself! Or better yet call the doctor," Hermione suggested, so Draco decided to make things sound worse.

"No! I really think I have that muggle disease! It's called Klamdya! Or something.. Oh god, it has the word die in it, I'm gonna die!" He shouted dramatically into the phone, and smirked when he had heard his wife excuse herself from her party.

No later was she in the living room, standing in front of him with her pyjamas on.

"Alright, drop your pants and let me see," She ordered. At first Draco frowned at his wife's boldness, but quickly caught onto what was happening, fearing her reaction once more, he played along, and dropped his trousers.

"It looks fine," She commented. Draco bit his lip.

"I have Klamdya!" He shouted. Hermione shook her head.

"That's not even a disease, You just made that up, I know you miss me but sweet Merlin it's only for one night!" She said. Draco frowned. It was so a disease! He had heard it on the TV.

"There is a disease called that! It makes your key sting!" He said. She frowned.

"I thought it was your dick that hurt?" Hermione asked bluntly, setting a hand on her hip. Draco sighed.

"I know. That's what key means. This is the key." He gestured to his lower region, and then pointed to her abdomen. "And that's it's lock, Get it?" He asked slowly, as if talking to a child. Hermione rolled her eyes and turned to leave when she sharply turned back around to face him.

"Oh my god, do you mean Chlamydia?" She asked, looking at her husband disgustedly. He nodded slowly and almost cried when she slapped him over the face.

"Who was it?" She screamed, hitting him until the both fell onto the sofa, where she proceeded to hit him. He held his arm up to shield his face.

"Who was what?" He asked confusedly. He sighed angrily.

"I don't have it! And it's a sexually transmitted disease! So who else did you sleep with?!" She asked, hitting him once more. He held his cheek.

"Nobody!" He shouted. She frowned and started to sob.

"I'm sorry! I don't even have it! I just didn't want to make the microwave blowing up seem like a bad idea!" He explained in a rush. She looked up at him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"You blew up the frickin' microwave?" She asked. He nodded, and once again, she hit him.

"What was that for? It's not like I slept with the microwave!" He shouted and she got up off of him, trekking into the kitchen, where she saw a half melted fork inside a cup of noodles, which were not on fire any longer. Draco stood behind her, his face adorably innocent. She shook her head, half in amusement.

"I'll go and get a cloth, you bring it out of the microwave," Draco nodded, obeying his wife's orders as he didn't want to anger her any further. He cupped the plastic in his right hand and then on instinct dropped it on the floor. He held his scorching hand between his legs, as if that would heal the nasty burn he'd just received. Hermione turned around to him with a wet cloth in her hand, she sighed.

"Oh, so now you do have Chlamydia?" She asked, a hand on her hip again. Draco whimpered, hopping around the kitchen. Hermione held her hand out.

"Let's see your hand," She muttered, "Honestly Draco, a five year old is more sensible than you," She said. He stood in front of his wife with an innocent childish look on his face. His eyes were wide and almost naïve and his lips were in a small pout.

"so what were you doing before you came here?" Draco asked. If his wife's response was impatient and aggravated then she was angry with him. If it was not, then she wasn't as angry as he expected.

"Um… Discussing things," She said hesitantly.

"Likes of?" Draco asked as Hermione applied cream to his hands.

"Uh…" Hermione started giggling. "We were talking about when you um… found that zit on your nose,"

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Heya Guys!

So, I've decided to start a series where Draco gets confused about lots of muggle devices, the first one is called "The Phone that mocked Draco," and this is the second one.

Message me, or review and tell me which device you'd like to see Draco muck up with next!

And Also, the whole series is dedicated to **Midnight-lady123123** who came up with this wonderful idea, you're a star, girl! Thanks for this amazing idea, I'm going to have so much fun writing it! You're welcome to correct any of my mistakes and I'll be sure to use more of your idea's if you decide to share them :] !

I realize this one isn't as funny, or good. It was kind of rushed, but if I get the time then I'll try and fix it.

Any mistakes?

-FallenForTheDraco (Because I really have ;))


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